36 Quilts in 12 Months

the questions shall be answered...

I no longer work for McCall's Quilting Magazine. It was my choice. We were bought out a couple years back and in my opinion, we were a joke. We became nothing. I can't quite decide what action happened that made me leave, there were so many. I suppose it was this... 16 years experience as a graphic designer, quilting since i was 9... I got promoted, and that is something I am not proud of - someone got hurt. I got promoted and a young man, with less then 2 years experience, got promoted as well - I was to be equal with him. Like I said, we became a joke. There are none of us left... 

Disclaimers...

I can't believe it's almost been a year since I've blogged. Pretty sure blogging is what kept me somewhat sane. I once read that you should get up in the morning and write for 30 minutes. Write about anything at all. I guess that's suppose to get the creative juices flowing. But... there is always a but, you only write for yourself. See, I think that's a waste. I think waking up in the morning is a beautiful thing, I also think that it's interesting what you have on your mind first thing in the morning. Oh, if we only contain our minds and thoughts - control them somehow. Is that what Yoga is for?!

I've decided that in life there are always disclaimers, small print. Everything has a price... a condition or in coupon terms an expiration date. Nothing last forever. Our lives can seem priceless in one moment and become shattered the next. Buy One Entree get One Free - but there's a catch, there's always a catch. But I guess at the end of the day you did save money. Walking to the store - disclaimer: you might fall and break something, you might get hit by a car, etc. Everything in life has a disclaimer. So I asked myself today, what is my disclaimer?

My Grandma passed away a few weeks ago. My heart bleeds and will for the rest of my life. She taught me so much. Her expiration date came up. She was 98 1/2 and I do feel guilty for being angry at her death. There are so many that pass too soon. She gave a great deal to my life and the lives of so many others. I think of her often and the memories I have from her, the passion and love of quilting. I think us quilters are kinda crazy... we cut apart pieces of fabric to sew them back together, but what we sew back together turns out to be an amazing creation.

At my Grandma's funeral, my eyes were heavy with tears - the pit deep in my stomach... like anxiety, she was gone and I had no control. I always knew it would happen one day but death is so final in this world. As C.S. Lewis says... "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." You see every room in my house has something to do with Grandma. So anyways, the pastor speaks and I'm crying... then all of the sudden my tears stop, my eyes widen and my mouth gaps open. He brought up the Super Bowl commercials?! A) Grandma never watched football B) The Super Bowl at a funeral?! His point was valid, too much money and no value, which was not my Grandma's generation. Sadly it is my generation and will be even worse for the generations after. A friend of ours was over awhile back and asked us, "why do have so much s**t in your house?" Ryan replied, "picked something out and we'll tell you it's meaning, it's background." He picked a case that sits in our living room, leather, old. Ryan goes to pick it up and open it. He spoke nothing, but looked at it with intensity. He asked where I got it. I said a thrift store back in 97, "I bought it for an art project," I told him. It's an old projector and he examined it for over 2 hours, atsonished at the parts and pieces, the history in it. Like everything has a disclaimer, everything has a story and stories are good. So then in turn comes another question, what is my story?

I closed my book awhile back, my words did not come out right, my chapters were empty... what is the meaning of this was all occupied my thoughts. I became self instead of selfless, hid myself away to avoid any further dissapointment. Selfless is who I am. I found out that making mistakes are not well taken in my circle, that words can be spoken and actions can be done that can be forgiven, but as a human, can never be forgotten. I've learned that assumptions are far too powerful... that you can hear one thing about a person and make mountains out of mole hills. News Flash: WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. People back people into corners and the fight goes away because they have no desire to fight back. After years of fighting to have a voice it becomes barren, you learn the people that listen without assumtion are the ones that you turn to. Never kick a man/woman/child when they are down, instead, give them a hand and give them love. 

With that note, my story continues, my words will never come out right but my chapters will be full. 

Cheers!